
When someone is trapped in a toxic or abusive relationship, they may unknowingly develop a deep emotional attachment to their abuser. This psychological phenomenon is known as trauma bonding—a powerful yet destructive cycle that keeps individuals stuck in harmful relationships.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when a person forms an intense connection with their abuser as a way to cope with the trauma. Instead of recognizing the abuse for what it is, the brain associates the abuser with relief, making it difficult to break free. This emotional dependency is often mistaken for love, leading the victim to stay in a harmful relationship.
How It Works: According to Dr. Ingrid Clayton, when someone experiences abuse or neglect, their brain becomes chemically wired to focus on survival. The body’s threat response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) overrides rational thinking, causing the victim to latch onto moments of perceived kindness from the abuser. These fleeting acts of "love" reinforce the bond, even though they are part of a larger cycle of manipulation.
The Cycle of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding follows a pattern of extreme highs and lows, making it difficult to recognize and escape. The seven stages of trauma bonding are:
Love Bombing – The abuser showers their victim with excessive affection, praise, and gifts to create dependency.
Trust & Dependency – The victim begins relying on the abuser for emotional validation and support.
Criticism – The abuser gradually starts blaming and demeaning the victim.
Gaslighting – The victim is manipulated into doubting their own reality and perceptions.
Resigning to Control – The victim starts giving in to the abuser’s demands to maintain peace.
Loss of Self – The victim’s self-esteem erodes, and they become emotionally numb.
Addiction – The brain becomes chemically addicted to the cycle of abuse and "relief," making it hard to leave.
Signs That You’re Experiencing Trauma Bonding
If you’re in a relationship and suspect trauma bonding, here are some red flags to look out for:
You feel stuck and powerless but continue making excuses for the abuser.
You don’t fully trust your partner, yet you stay because you can’t imagine leaving.
You believe things will improve if you try harder or change yourself.
You focus on the abuser’s "good side" while ignoring the abusive behaviors.
Your family and friends express concern, but you find yourself defending the relationship.
You experience extreme emotional highs and lows that keep you on edge.
Why Do You Attract Toxic Partners?
If you find yourself in repeated toxic relationships, it may be because of unresolved emotional wounds. Many trauma-bonded individuals unknowingly seek out partners who mirror past experiences of abandonment, rejection, or emotional neglect. This pattern keeps them trapped in unhealthy dynamics where they feel the need to "fix" or "save" their partner.
Common traits of toxic partners:
Emotionally unavailable
Manipulative and controlling
Addicted to substances or behaviors
Narcissistic or abusive
Experts at psychological mind games (gaslighting, blame-shifting, silent treatment)
How to Break Free from Trauma Bonding
Healing from trauma bonding requires awareness, support, and intentional action. Here’s how you can start:
Recognize the Cycle – Awareness is the first step. Document patterns of abuse to gain clarity.
Allow Yourself to Feel – Suppressing emotions won’t help. Give yourself space to grieve the relationship you thought you had.
Decide to Disrupt the Pattern – The moment you choose to heal, you take back control. Seek professional help or join a support group.
Develop Healthy Boundaries – Learn to say no and protect your energy.
Cut Off Contact (if possible) – Distance yourself to break the cycle of manipulation.
Seek Therapy or Coaching – A professional can help you regain self-worth, establish healthy relationship patterns, and rebuild confidence.
Get Help From Knowledgeable Experts -There’s a ton of resources out there teach on relationships and healing. Make sure that the information you are getting is from reliable, authentic voices.
Watch the replay of our recent training on Breaking Free From Trauma Bonds
Healing Is Possible
Toxic relationships thrive when both individuals have unhealed wounds. The good news? Healing is your way out. When you take the time to work on yourself, you break the cycle and begin attracting healthier relationships that honor your worth.
At Healed University, we help women just like you break free from toxic cycles and step into wholeness, confidence, and self-love. If you’re ready to heal and rebuild your self-worth, join our community today.
And be notified when enrollment opens in April 2025!
Your healing is your superpower. Don’t wait—start your journey with Healed University now.
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